Some of you might remember about a year ago, when I was blogging as “Assentively Yours“. Well, it was sometime in July of last year that I had contemplated suicide. Well, more accurately, I was planning it. I don’t remember the exact date, unfortunately, because I was also struggling with alcohol. Today, I saw a post of someone I was connected to and she was remembering her suicide attempt and it made me remember my own dealings with suicide. To divulge the information would require a lot more time than I want to give to the matter, but there are two major times that I remember facing the choice of suicide.
One was about 20 years ago after accepting a position as a police officer in a really small town. I’ll discuss what I think part of the problem was, but I was in immense pain and I felt that putting a bullet into my head would be a good idea. I was home after working and had some news that made me want to die. I was in the bathroom and pulled my service pistol out of its holster and put the end of the barrel at my temple with my finger on the trigger. I couldn’t tell you now how close it was for me to have pulled that trigger, but something made me think, “Fuck that bitch!” The other time was about a year ago, when I was unemployed, and desperately trying to find myself within my marriage. I had one to my basement and found some wire. I placed it around a pull-up bar that I don’t use and fashioned myself a noose. I stood on a chair and placed my head through the loop I made. Once the wire was around my neck, I knew all I needed to do was kick the chair out from underneath myself, since my hands were already tied (I did not want to instinctively save myself). And then a thought hit me, and I mouthed the words, “Fuck that bitch!”
You see, I struggle with relationships and intimacy. I don’t know how to handle anything with respect to a relationship, and yet, I so desperately want one. A year later, of course, I’m on the verge of a relationship ending – it is only a matter of time. There are so many things I could discuss, but I have little understanding on why I tend to feel the way I feel, but I think it has a lot to do with my need to be successful in all things – there is always a right answer. In both situations, I felt like my relationship was ending (Truthfully, there is a lot of things that says my current relationship shouldn’t have lasted longer than a week, but it lasted 20 years), and it didn’t matter how much effort I put in or how much I tried to show I cared, it simply was not going to last. I struggle with love and relationships. Honestly, I fucking suck at relationships.
I’m unsure how to “do” relationships, and yet I am a total sucker for love and romance. I believe I am in a better place now than during those times, but I often feel as if that depressive state of mind taunts me and is always flirting with my psyche. Thankfully, I didn’t go through with those things, because suicide is something that my extended family is pretty familiar with handling. I had a little brother commit suicide over 16 years ago. I’ve had different family members in the past do the same. So, mental illness is something that needs to be addressed within my family, because of the genetics behind different things.
Anyways, I’m fucking rambling and I get pissed when I begin rambling – evidence of Hilda’s presence, by the way.