I’m not very open about my sexuality. In fact, I don’t go around waving a flag or attending pride celebrations (this one was an exception). But I am bisexual and I am open about it online. It’s easy here; it’s easy, because I don’t open up myself to direct identification. I’m sure the people, in real life, that know me would be able to piece things together in this blog and know that it’s me, but I still like the shred of anonymity I feel here. I suppose there are many different aspects of my sexuality that are…hmm…I guess unique, but at the same time, not nearly as shocking to this current society that it would have been at one time. But, I am more comfortable with myself than I have felt in a long time.
As many of you know, I have struggled with my sexuality for years. There are a lot of things that I have not fully reconciled and I am in constant evolution. I’m giving this more and more thought based upon how many of the current events in my life are unfolding. For example, I am on the brink of a marriage ending. This is still up in the air and I’m not sure where it’ll be next week, let alone in a year. My wife is aware of my sexuality, but it has not been an issue in our marriage. Sure, there have been discussions, but it has not been something we couldn’t work out. My marital issues have little to do with sex or my sexuality, but I’m mentioning it because of the prospect of being single again. The truth of the matter is that I don’t know how to do single. It’s been years since I have asked anyone, or anyone has asked me, out on a date. Granted, it’s not something I need to be concerned about, but the thoughts have come up lately. I don’t know how to be single, so I don’t know how to date anyone. I suppose on some level, I can just roll with it, or him, or her… 😛
But my experiences with dating, relationships and sex are somewhat skewed, I think. You see, I have never really dated guys. I have enjoyed them on a physical level, but I have never been in a relationship with one. Sometimes I have pondered the ins and outs of same-sex relationships. Sometimes I have heard that for us bisexuals that dating the same sex should be no different than dating the opposite sex – there are things about you that need to be compatible with someone else. Although, I agree with this, I’m unsure how to tell what is and what is not compatible – besides, if I understood that, maybe I could have made my marriage last, huh?
This sort of gives some credibility of one particular critique of bisexuals: We don’t know what we want. This is a stereotype us bisexuals are supposed to hate. But when I contemplate this a little bit, I look at the over 50% divorce rate in the USA and I think to myself, “Well, at least half of married couples really didn’t know what the fuck they wanted either…”. Because, I think not knowing what you want is the point of dating in the first place, right? I mean, there is always going to be that portion of any potential relationship where you are in exploration mode – some people should spend more time here, but who am I to judge, huh?
Let me get back to my perspective on bisexuality.
I’m in a weird spot in life. I have major life changes going on, but I know for me I love having a partner in life. I love having someone to share things with, I love having someone to spend my free time with. Granted, I enjoy being alone at times too, but I know that I want to be able to share myself with someone else and I would love to have someone share themselves with me. There is something enjoyable about that aspect of a relationship. The thing is, I’m stuck on the idea that it should be one gender or the other and sometimes I wonder if one gender has purely sexual appeal or if it can be something I can enjoy physically and emotionally. I know I have enjoyed women on both levels; but with men, I wonder what’s possible. And this leads me to wonder if I have the time..or even desire..to explore that option. Granted, it has been a really long time since I have had sex with another person – male or female – so, there is that whole dynamic of even getting to a point where sex enters the picture, but I wonder what’s possible.
I think I have a better understanding of what I enjoy sexually now, as compared to when I was younger, but I contemplate the concept of sex versus the concept of a relationship. There is something that is distinctly “easy” about sex, but that is not my ultimate desire. I already know that I want to be in another relationship, eventually. I know this is something I shouldn’t rush and I should wait until there is finality in my marriage, but it is something I have contemplated. I also have wondered how open I should be about my sexuality. Is there some sort of rule that you need to identify your previous sex life with any potential partners? There is this idea, as well, that bisexuals can never be satisfied with one gender over the other (This is a big misunderstanding, by the way), but I find sex to be satisfying, in general; and sex can be dissatisfying when either person loses interest.
Also, there is always an expected behavior that other men have for guys to establish masculine norms. I have lived up to many of those in my lifetime – beer drinking, weight lifting, getting into fights, having jobs that are male dominated, dick size comparison (Okay, that was kind of a lame joke, but you get my point). I have never felt overly comfortable being that way – under constant competition. In fact, I actually hate it. But there is something a lot of women find attractive about that kind of guy – in fact, a lot of the men I am attracted to are that kid of guy. It makes it a weird dichotomy for me, when I think about it. The men I am attracted to are the kinds of men that exhibit some traditional masculinity (On a clean level, mind you…nice teeth, clean shaven, and showered is a great start); likewise, the women I’m attracted to are the ones that exhibit some traditional feminine stereotypes. Granted, some of characteristics have changed in our evolving society, but I still tend to go after the women that are “womanly” and I go after the men that are “manly”.
But as I gain some self-acceptance in my sexuality, as I manage the changing events in my life, as I go through hardships and successes, I am finding myself pondering how I “should” be versus how I am. Unfortunately, I worry a little too much about how I am, because I’m not so sure anymore.
This will be a topic I return to, I’m sure.