Yesterday, I was having a tough time with my anxiety. I had so many thoughts swirling around my head and I had so many pressures going on, that I couldn’t function at my optimum. I even began a post yesterday to try and sort through my emotions and feelings, but I ended up deleting it. I realized my post was sounding like complete gibberish. I imagine gibberish to be more than words. To me, gibberish is like goulash on an emotional level. It’s a hodge-podge of various thoughts, various stresses, and various emotions all in one mental stew. I had Hilda on deck and she was being a royal C U Next Tuesday.
Yes, she was telling me really negative things. On the one hand, I want to visit them and deal with them, on the other hand I don’t want to give her the platform, because it could lead to much worse. So, I’m going to simply let it go, for now. Because the reality is I know exactly where she was coming from, for a change. She was attacking my confidence and insecurities surrounding my new job and surrounding my inability to make decisions lately. As some of you know, I have someone in my life that I have constantly been trying to make happy and I am getting to a point where I just don’t know that I can make that person happy; and more importantly, I am beginning to see that it’s not my responsibility to do so. Trust me, I’m not completely past this, but it’s a step).
Today has gone a little better. I’m still overwhelmed by many of the things in my new job, but today I am organizing a little better and I am focusing on the things I can control right this moment. Yesterday, I was overwhelmed with all of the requests for attention different matters needed; today, I accepted that I am one person and I can handle one thing at a time.
Today, I’m giving myself a fair shake.