Hilda’s Rant

So, I’ve tossed this idea back and forth over the past couple of days, but I can’t contain it anymore.  On the one hand, I don’t want my delicate ego to be impacted anymore than it has – yeah, right, who am I kidding? It’s been fucked for a long time.  But I certainly feel like bringing these things to the surface means I will have to relive the feelings, but at the same time I want to let them go and try and understand where they came from.  Also, I haven’t done my Day 9 Beautiful You Journal entry either, but after reading it, I feel like I’ll only be flirting with the underlying issues.  I want them out of my system, honestly, I’m ready to be positive and I feel like I have to recognize where they come from and what they are.  So, here is an example of how Hilda speaks to me and then it rolls down hill in one epic snowball of depressive misery and anxiety.

Before you read it, please be forewarned that it is full of vulgarity, irrationality, and kinda scares me a little. Oh, and don’t expect proper writing, because I’m freestylin’ this bitch and writing with emotion:

Here goes, Hilda:

Why don’t you go work out?

Cause I’m fat and it won’t matter in the long run.

Why not? If you ever expect to recover from this divorce that’s supposed to happen, it’ll relieve stress.

You caused the fucking stress.  You know this is all your fault, if you would have just kept your little dick in your pants. You’ve become everything you hate. You know how it feels to be cheated on and you went and did it. I’m shocked you can live with yourself.

15 years is a long time to hold on to a mistake.

Yeah, but you’ve hold on to other things longer than that. When she’s mad and calls you a fag, you know it’s right.

I just wish it would go away.

You suck dick. You’ve always liked sucking dick. How can you even consider yourself a man?

Maybe I’m not? IS that so bad?

You shouldn’t even try to get back into shape? No one is going to love you anyways. Your pathetic, and it won’t matter if you’re into guys or girls, no one is going to want you.

I can do like I did when I was a teen and just throw myself into what I’m good at.

Why bother? You threw it all away. You were healthy, you were good looking. You were confident and you took it all for granted.

Why can’t I find happiness? Why can’t I make her love me? Why can’t I make anyone love me?

You know why? You’re a fuckin’ freak of nature – you can’t even tell if you like girls, guys or both and you want someone else to want to fuck you?  Fuckin’ wierdo. You should have never told anyone that you’re bisexual, now you can’t even hide from that.  Why don’t you go get fucked in the ass, just like {Spouse’s name} tells you to do everytime you piss her off. 

Actually, come to think of it, you can’t even stand up for yourself to her, so you’re not a man.  You might as well keep feeling sorry for yourself.  I’m surprised you can even maintain a job.  What was the fucking point of you going to school anyways?  You’re practically fuckin’ broke.

Fuck, It wasn’t my fault I got laid off!  But fuck, they didn’t lay off the people they liked…just the shy, fucking loser that can’t tell if he wants to lick dick or lick pussy and has a failing marriage because he isn’t man enough to be what she needs.

You’re fat, lazy, pathetic, fag, with a tiny cock, hairy body, ugly fucking face and you’re never going to be where you want. It’s too fucking late, you fucking pathetic piece of shit.  Why don’t you take the easy way out like your brother? Oh, that’s right, you’re too much of a pussy, because you can’t even make decisions for yourself.

Yeah, you’re no man. A man would have never worn dresses like you did, a man would not take it in the ass like you did, a man wouldn’t suck cock like you do so well. Fuck, I’m surprised women enjoy sex with you when you do fuck ’em.  You know you can’t please them, because they like men, not pathetic pussies like you.

It doesn’t matter if you lose weight even, because you’re way too old to ever get in another relationship. Besides, you’ve proven in any relationship you’re in that you’re a fuckin puss.  You let women walk all over you – even your fucking therapists have picked up on that shit quick.  It’s like they’re reading you’re fucking mind – actually, that’s probably why you do get taken for a fucking ride – you have a flashing neon fucking sign saying, “I’m a pussy, please take advantage of me.”

Even if you were straight, there’s no woman that’s going to want you, because you have nothing to offer any of them. You’ve given up on everything…literally everything is given away and women only want a man with a backbone you pussy!  And if you were gay, you damn well know that the kinds of guys you’re attracted to won’t ever fuck you….oh no, not those kind.  OF course, that’s fucking okay, because they’re going to be with the women that won’t date you.

Better exercise your right hand, you fucking prick.  You’re gonna be punching the bishop an awful fucking lot. 

I can always just throw myself into work and read like I’ve always done. I could always get back into shape and just work towards the person I used to like.

Why? Don’t you get it? You’re gonna fucking hand it all over again, because you have no fucking ability to stand up for yourself.  Just like when you were forced to suck dick. Just like when you got your ass kicked by your mom’s boyfriend. Just like when you lost your job and couldn’t find another one. You give up the fight. You give up the chance to do anything. You’d rather someone else make the tough decisions, because you can’t.

And why do you even try at work? It’s not like you really care? You haven’t cared since you got married? You don’t give enough of a shit to perform the way you used to, because you’re weak, you don’t trust your ideas, so why should anyone else.  Besides, you’re fat and ugly and you never get involved, so why would any boss want you?  You get chances of a lifetime and you find some reason to hate it…in fact, you’ve adopted the attitudes you hate….hahahaha! Fuckface.

You’re fucking done. Worthless. Pathetic. Sexually confucked. Unable to have an adult relationship.

And now, I just want Hilda to stop…