Internal Debate: Do I or Don’t I…?

…let an epic rant of self-degradation rip out of me?

I am really enjoying this new book, and it has me really looking introspectively at a lot of things.  But tomorrow morning will be Day 9 and in that day there is a distinct look at analyzing the WHY behind the negative things you day to yourself.  By the way, I have decided to name my Inner Critic as Hilda – this is a variation of a name of a person I didn’t like as a kid – like I can count how many times I have ever seen her on one hand. I had VERY little interaction with her, but that woman could remember things FOREVER (Literally, like 25 years after the fact). Well, there are some things that I struggle with, things that I am worried about putting right out in front of me.

Recently, I had someone mention that I am a mystery, complex. I took that as somewhat of a compliment, because it means I have done a damned good job of masking myself.  But truthfully, that is my biggest problem – being vulnerable. And I am at a point where I really want to make some changes, but I have this barrier I’m currently dealing with – the idea of being completely vulnerable or maintaining somethings as strictly confidential.  On the one hand, I feel the need to get so much out of me, but on the other hand I feel like Hilda will take over and control the episode of confession, if you will.  I think it is important to understand where the negative thoughts come from, but at the same time my last therapist never explored those with me.  Rather, she just felt that the negativity’s source wasn’t nearly as important as not letting the negativity control me.

But for me, I almost feel the need to let a lot of it out and just deal with the outcome of such an action. There are some horrible things I say to myself, things I have held so tightly, I don’t know how to let them go.  Some of these things feel dark and disasterous; some of these things feel like no big deal in the evolving society around us, but still feel shameful to me.  It’s mind boggling to me, to say the least.

Anyways, I’m going to sleep on it and make the decision tomorrow.

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