Today, I’m taking it easy while I’m in Spain. Technically, I am here because of work, although I had the chance to walk around and enjoy some festivities. But today, I wanted to take it easy to be prepared for the work week. Besides, I think I hurt my ankle while walking around yesterday – pain from an old injury.

The problem with me, unfortunately, is when I spend much time alone, my mind wanders. For someone dealing with depression, anxiety or whatever else fucked up thing can exist, I begin to devolve into negativity. My thoughts have ventured into my regrets in life, my relationships – namely the one that is all but over, my past successes, how current successes no longer energize me, my lack of a sense of purpose, and my sexuality. These are the things that leave me feeling anxious, lonely, and in need of solving everything.

Granted, I recognize that there would be no point to living, if I had all of life’s secrets figured out, but I don’t work through anxiety like I used to. I used to find some active way to keep myself busy – exercise, hiking, sex, whatever. Nowadays, my body feels beat-up (I’m an ex-cop, former weightlifter and martial artist), tired and my age feels older than what it should be. I often find myself wishing there was someone with me to kick me in the rear when I’m feeling this way. In the past, I have resorted to beer as a way to cop, but I have no desire for that anymore (which is really good, trust me). One would think that I should feel copious amounts of excitement at my life, but I feel tired.

I explore different ideas and thoughts and play with certain possibilities on what I could do. But I get lost in the details. So far it is about 2:00 p.m. in Madrid, Spain but I feel like I wasted the day. I feel recovered from yesterday’s activities, but I’m unsure how to keep myself busy for the remainder of the day – especially because my ankle is missing me off. Oh and it’s hotter than hell outside.

But, I know I don’t want to get trapped in negativity, so this post has more to do with me letting it out than anything else. I am on a path of greater positivity, and my goal is to continue that. But today, I just feel bleh…




6 thoughts on “Wanderings…”

  1. I’d give anything to be in Spain right now. I’d def kick you in your ass and get you moving. Get out there my friend. The world doesn’t concern itself with your feelings…so go give it a big ‘fuck you’ by moving with it. I have faith in you. If you get some time, hop a train down to Cadiz and spend a day on the beach. Sea water is an elixir to the soul. I promise. Chin up. You got this.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. LOL… I figured I could count on you to kick me in the ass. Unfortunately, since I’m here for work, I don’t have the time to head outside of Madrid.
      I asked the hot desk where some shopping might be, so I’m going there a little later today. Thanks, my friend. You’re wonderful. πŸ’–


  2. It helps to get things all out here. I think you have an incredible soul. Don’t push yourself….let things fall into place. Like I’m good with advice and shit? Not really but just trying to give you some positive vibes. Looks like you’re working towards something good though. You deserve it and you’re worthy!

    Liked by 1 person

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