Today, I’m taking it easy while I’m in Spain. Technically, I am here because of work, although I had the chance to walk around and enjoy some festivities. But today, I wanted to take it easy to be prepared for the work week. Besides, I think I hurt my ankle while walking around yesterday – pain from an old injury.
The problem with me, unfortunately, is when I spend much time alone, my mind wanders. For someone dealing with depression, anxiety or whatever else fucked up thing can exist, I begin to devolve into negativity. My thoughts have ventured into my regrets in life, my relationships – namely the one that is all but over, my past successes, how current successes no longer energize me, my lack of a sense of purpose, and my sexuality. These are the things that leave me feeling anxious, lonely, and in need of solving everything.
Granted, I recognize that there would be no point to living, if I had all of life’s secrets figured out, but I don’t work through anxiety like I used to. I used to find some active way to keep myself busy – exercise, hiking, sex, whatever. Nowadays, my body feels beat-up (I’m an ex-cop, former weightlifter and martial artist), tired and my age feels older than what it should be. I often find myself wishing there was someone with me to kick me in the rear when I’m feeling this way. In the past, I have resorted to beer as a way to cop, but I have no desire for that anymore (which is really good, trust me). One would think that I should feel copious amounts of excitement at my life, but I feel tired.
I explore different ideas and thoughts and play with certain possibilities on what I could do. But I get lost in the details. So far it is about 2:00 p.m. in Madrid, Spain but I feel like I wasted the day. I feel recovered from yesterday’s activities, but I’m unsure how to keep myself busy for the remainder of the day – especially because my ankle is missing me off. Oh and it’s hotter than hell outside.
But, I know I don’t want to get trapped in negativity, so this post has more to do with me letting it out than anything else. I am on a path of greater positivity, and my goal is to continue that. But today, I just feel bleh…