BYJ: Day 4

So, it’s been like a week, since I entered anything into my Beautiful You Journal, but I did not want to stop. I’m really in a good place, mentally, and I don’t want to let it go. But I have to admit, that today’s entry has some tough questions for me to answer. I’ll do my best, however.

Today’s entry s focused on how body image as impacted my life. I’ll pose the questions asked and then answer eac one:

How has body image impacted your daily life and outlook?

This is easy, because I can’t help to think that people judge me based on ho I look. People often mistake me for being older than I am. I’m also not as in shape as I used to be, so I have often wondered if people have passed me over as being a good person. Of course, I don’t say favorable things about myself, which hasn’t helped matters.

What have been your challenges and triumphs with body image over time?

When I as a young boy, I was not the biggest, fastest, strongest or the most attractive (girls always liked other boys than me). Then when I was a teen, I began working out on a regular basis. I ended up having a great body, because I was working out 6-7 times per week and doing a variety of activities. Looking back, I felt I was probably more egotistical than I should have been, despite the fact that I had friends tell me I didn’t use my looks enough. Then, after I found a serious relationship (that I still can’t tell if she’s coming or going), I began destroying my body and stopped caring about myself, which did not help matters at all.

I’m embarrassed to admit it, but I have always felt I was underendowed in the penis department. This does a wonder to your psyche, let me tell you. One thing is for sure, I’m not the smallest men or women have seen, but I’m certainly not the largest. There have been times, however, that I have contemplated how my sexuality might have been different, if I had a larger penis. I’ve been complimented before, but what n you don’t feel it’s how another describes, then you don’t feel it…period! I can tell you, being bisexual and having had the opportunity to be with guys has impacted my as negatively as with women. So, there were many times, I was left wondering if I could be a satisfactory sex partner.

What have you denied and allowed yourself because of your perception of your appearance?

Ugh…name it, really. I can tell you, when I was in my best shape, I let discipline go out the window, because I assumed I was healthy enough it didn’t matter. However, I know I made food a comfort in dealing with things that made me feel like I hate myself. I have tried different digests and weight loss plans, I have tried different exercise programs, but they all keep failing for one reason – a lack of discipline.

How has your personality changed because of your sense of your appearance?

Undoubtedly. I lack confidence, I lack feeling good about myself, etc.

What have you gained or lost because of your body image?

Wow! This is a tough question, because my answer won’t show that I think that I hold responsibility, but I do. I feel like I have lost friendships, career advances, feeling good, feeling accomplished, failed friendships, etc. I felt like when I was young younger, it made me feel like I was on top of the world. But now, I don’t feel like I have gained anything.

Well, thank you all for reading this.

 

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3 thoughts on “BYJ: Day 4”

  1. Oh man, I don’t know where to begin with all that. I guess we all struggle with body image, and with believing compliments. I struggled with the compliment thing for years, because I never felt worthy of them. It’s a weird phenomenon, not believing someone when they say your great, handsome, etc. I wish I had some sage answer for you. In my case, I had help in trusting, which was my primary block. I trusted no one, not even my wife, fully. Is therapy an option for you? It helped me tremendously. To learn to trust, even when every instinct in me told me not to.

    Liked by 1 person

      1. Whatever works for ya. Therapy sucks ass unless you have the right therapist. I got lucky with my one and only stint. He was remarkably good at directing me until I came up with my own solutions and answers. He didn’t cure anything, but sure gave me the tools to work my way through. Hope the book helps out. 😃

        Liked by 1 person

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