In continuation of my efforts to find confidence and self-love, I am now looking at how I feel about myself. Yesterday, I made a post describing what I felt was my worst moment in life, but that isn’t the only moment that has led me to where I am at – there have been several; such as, the suicide of my brother, the divorce of my parents, sexual abuse as a child, physical and verbal and emotional abuse within a relationship, coming to grips with my sexuality, moving several times to pursue work, and normal stresses too. Today’s Journal Entry is pretty specific to this topic, in the book I have been reading, there are questions posed:
“How do you feel about yourself? Why is that the case? What will a healthy sense of self and a healthy life give to you?”
Many of you followed my last blog (Assentively Yours) in which I described a therapy session that my therapist asked me to list the things I say to myself. I stopped after 20; there were more, but I was already feeling horrendous about the things I listed. I said nothing positive about myself. My therapist let me cry, she encouraged me to get it out. Of course, the therapy began focusing on trying to change my perspective and it was beginning to work. Unfortunately, she was moving and I accepted this current job which is requiring me to move.
I took a side-track, but it is readily obvious how I feel about myself and what I see as some of the root causes. However, I’m looking at this again and thinking that I had no control over some of the things that have happened in life and yet I take responsibility for these things as if they are my fault. The reality is that they just are…and i have been punishing myself for things beyond my control (I think I just had a fucking epiphany….almost orgasmic, if you ask me).
Sorry, I think I took away from the point… 😝
Anyways, I can see that many times the causes of my self-hatred has a tremendous amount to do with the things I say to myself, the negativity I allow myself to believe. It tells me that a more positive approach would do me wonders. It tells me that there is something I can put into action, if there is going to be what I want to see as a “healthy sense of self and healthy life”.
I think I would like to see me live a life of peace within myself. I want to wake up each morning and look in the mirror and feel a sense of pride. I want to look in the mirror and love what I see. I want to feel like I deserve to be loved. I want to feel like I deserve affection and compassion. I want to make others feel happy too. I want a sense of understanding that it is okay to be who I am.
And yes, maybe I want to feel beautiful too – if that is possible.