“Okay, don’t get to friendly with the girl at the front desk”, was a disappointing thing to hear when I mentioned on the phone that I was going to ask for a bottled water in the hotel lobby. It brings back so much pain from the many times that it was assumed I was cheating, although I wasn’t. It brings back all the times I was punched or hit or had something thrown at me when I had a sarcastic response to an accusation of cheating. Eventually, I made the worst mistake of my life, seeking some way to find temporary reprieve from the self hatred i was already developing, and I cheated. My attitude was so juvenile, that I believed I was being punished for things I had not done, so I might as well reap the benefits of the accusations.
It was a choice I have regretted ever since making it. I became what I despised and hosted, so it only made since my self hstred, due to an inability to stand up for myself, only deepened. I began engaging in behavior that was utterly destructive, utterly despicable and utterly reprehensible – at least in my mind that was the case. Now, I became the truth behind the accusations and I began internalizing everything I heard, because I came to accept every retaliation that came my way – how else could I make up for my horrible choices?
After hearing that on the phone, I instantly think I can never socialize, I can never have a real friend. My mistake prevents me from being trusted, and since realizing my sexuality, I can’t even see myself being around men, let alone women. I mean, I can’t be trusted, regardless that my action was 15 years ago. And yet, there are times that my past comes up and it is held above me.
I stopped reacting to it, because I recognize it’s a manipulation tactic. I regret that I didn’t understand it before making my own mistakes, but if i am honest with myself, I know I’m tucked up – I just didn’t know it then. I wasn’t even aware that I could easily be influenced; since that became a reality for me – and directly opposite to how I viewed myself – I didn’t understand how to make the proper determination on what course of action to take. I have perfect vision in hindsight, but I also feel I have been sent down a path I don’t know how to break. I succumb to every whim now, and if I don’t submit to that whim, I carry a debilitating and crushing sense of guilt.
I didn’t know how to deal with all of this with a sense of positivity. I looked for other ways to treat this pain. I began to eat a lot, I began to look for people online to make me feel better about myself, I began to drink. I could handle the hatred I held for myself and I couldn’t accept the pain I caused someone else. I couldn’t handle not being wonderful. It was highly narcissistic of myself – but was it? I knew I made the choice, knew I did something wrong, but I also needed to know what my reasoning was, so I can recognize the feelings within myself. Awareness seems to be the only defense you have against yourself.
As I reminisce the moment that I described above, I know I’m in a better place now, in one respect. I no longer look for excuses to my actions. I was wrong, my decisions were wrong, and I have always believed that vindictive actions are never justified. Back then, I couldn’t accept that I was a piece of shit. I have long since accepted that I am… And this is in direct opposition of the work I’m trying to do for myself now. Now, I am working on a positive image of myself, but I don’t know how to get past hating myself for my mistakes in life.