Sunk feelings

“Okay, don’t get to friendly with the girl at the front desk”, was a disappointing thing to hear when I mentioned on the phone that I was going to ask for a bottled water in the hotel lobby. It brings back so much pain from the many times that it was assumed I was cheating, although I wasn’t. It brings back all the times I was punched or hit or had something thrown at me when I had a sarcastic response to an accusation of cheating. Eventually, I made the worst mistake of my life, seeking some way to find temporary reprieve from the self hatred i was already developing, and I cheated. My attitude was so juvenile, that I believed I was being punished for things I had not done, so I might as well reap the benefits of the accusations.

It was a choice I have regretted ever since making it. I became what I despised and hosted, so it only made since my self hstred, due to an inability to stand up for myself, only deepened. I began engaging in behavior that was utterly destructive, utterly despicable and utterly reprehensible – at least in my mind that was the case. Now, I became the truth behind the accusations and I began internalizing everything I heard, because I came to accept every retaliation that came my way – how else could I make up for my horrible choices?

After hearing that on the phone, I instantly think I can never socialize, I can never have a real friend. My mistake prevents me from being trusted, and since realizing my sexuality, I can’t even see myself being around men, let alone women. I mean, I can’t be trusted, regardless that my action was 15 years ago. And yet, there are times that my past comes up and it is held above me.

I stopped reacting to it, because I recognize it’s a manipulation tactic. I regret that I didn’t understand it before making my own mistakes, but if i am honest with myself, I know I’m tucked up – I just didn’t know it then. I wasn’t even aware that I could easily be influenced; since that became a reality for me – and directly opposite to how I viewed myself – I didn’t understand how to make the proper determination on what course of action to take. I have perfect vision in hindsight, but I also feel I have been sent down a path I don’t know how to break. I succumb to every whim now, and if I don’t submit to that whim, I carry a debilitating and crushing sense of guilt.

I didn’t know how to deal with all of this with a sense of positivity. I looked for other ways to treat this pain. I began to eat a lot, I began to look for people online to make me feel better about myself, I began to drink. I could handle the hatred I held for myself and I couldn’t accept the pain I caused someone else. I couldn’t handle not being wonderful. It was highly narcissistic of myself – but was it? I knew I made the choice,  knew I did something wrong, but I also needed to know what my reasoning was, so I can recognize the feelings within myself. Awareness seems to be the only defense you have against yourself.

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As I reminisce the moment that I described above, I know I’m in a better place now, in one respect. I no longer look for excuses to my actions. I was wrong, my decisions were wrong, and I have always believed that vindictive actions are never justified. Back then, I couldn’t accept that I was a piece of shit. I have long since accepted that I am… And this is in direct opposition of the work I’m trying to do for myself now. Now, I am working on a positive image of myself, but I don’t know how to get past hating myself for my mistakes in life.

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11 thoughts on “Sunk feelings”

  1. You keep in mind that no one is perfect and everyone screws the pooch at times, realize that what’s done is done and cannot ever be undone, and all you can do now is to not make the same mistakes going forward. If everyone beat themselves up for past mistakes, everyone would be in therapy – even the therapists since they’re not perfect either.

    You screw up, you own it, learn from it, and don’t waste another second making yourself insane by continuing to dwell on it. When you do this, you aren’t living in the present: You’re stuck somewhere in your own past and I cannot begin to describe how totally self-destructive it is… but you already know this, don’t you?

    You just gird your loins and stop hating yourself because there’s no point in it and there’s nothing to be gain for using yourself as a weapon to beat yourself with. Besides, I’m sure there are a lot of people who could, would, and want to hate you so why you’d want to keep being on that list of potential haters baffles me.

    Just stop it. You’re never gonna forget that some shit happened but you do not – should not – have to let that shit keep fucking with your head and making you nearly totally dysfunctional; it defies logic and common sense so just stop hating yourself.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Personally: I wouldn’t be able to forgive myself if I cheated on my fiancé so I understand where you are coming from. However, it has been 15 years. You have been beating yourself up over it for 15 YEARS! Not days, not months, but years! You are probably not even the same person you are now than you were back then. Give yourself a break.

    It’s good that you have learned from the mistake and know why you made it. This will also ensure that you will not make that mistake again. You have become a better person because of it. Let that be your silver lining. Let that become your strength and your source for positivity.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. So let me get this straight, you were the bad person because you eventually cheated on someone who accused you repeatedly and even hit you?

    Okay so you made a mistake in cheating. Sure take responsibility for that, I’m all for it as it appears you have been. But….. What about this person who accused you and retorted to violent acts? I hope you hold them responsible for their part to.

    Liked by 1 person

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