Open as Vulnerable

Today’s writing prompt is “Open“.

When I see the word “open”, I automatically think of the word “vulnerable”. To me, being open means being vulnerable. And when I think about it, I think about my inability to be vulnerable. For example, this entire blog is about the things I keep repressed, the things I can’t share in an open manner, because I feel exposed and vulnerable. I have this sense that being honest about myself will leave me open for the possibility of some sort of attack – verbal, physical or emotional. It’s not a good attitude to have, because true strength comes from the ability to be open with oneself and then to the world, in spite of the fears that exist.

The first time I remember my vulnerability being an issue was when I was in a relationship with a young lady (we were both young at the time, but I haven’t seen her in almost 20 years) – my first love, to be honest.  I remember she told me once, that she knew about once every 6 months I would open up and talk to her about everything inside of me.  She said she felt closest to me at those times.  But it was also coupled with the fact that my inability to be open all the time is what ruined the relationship (Personally, I felt it was her love of boning other people that did us in…but what do I know?). Another time my alleged lack of vulnerability came into play was early on in my current relationship. We were seeing a therapist and the therapist commented that my main problem in relationships is that I don’t make myself vulnerable.

I have been troubled with that concept for most of my life. I don’t understand where it comes from and I certainly don’t understand how to be more vulnerable. Isn’t it responsible behavior to protect oneself? I know this is a hindrance in my relationships, but then I have wondered if it was even reasonable for me to be in a relationship. I think I’m an ugly person – inside and out – so aren’t I doing my best to protect those around me?  I have a guilt complex like no one around either and sometimes I feel like I am making sure I don’t screw anything up, because I can’t live with the guilt.  But these are just excuses, aren’t they?  The truth of the matter is I just can’t wrap my mind around being open; I don’t know how to be vulnerable and feel comfortable with it.

 

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6 thoughts on “Open as Vulnerable”

  1. women use this thing about being more open a lot. I still haven’t gained insight to what the fuck this means. “It means vulnerability” they say. Does it? Doesn’t the fact I’m putting my trust in someone, in of itself suggest a vulnerability? Isn’t that an allowance of being open to being vulnerable?

    I’m not sure what people mean when they say this. It’s common therapist circles and the like to use these words ‘open’ and no one seems to question it. Everyone goes away feeling they’re not being open enough. Yet no one seems able to truly define what being open would mean in the first place. “Open with your emotions” does it not occur to anyone that maybe we all express emotions differently? Every individual has their own way, and then add into the gender differences (male and female brains are different, this doesn’ always transfer to all males having only ‘male’ interests or vice versa) meaning their brains actually process and also make them behave differently when it comes to this so called ‘expression of emotion’ I’ve noticed people like to sound open minded about this shit like “you find what rights for you to express yourself” and my reply to that is “What if the way i’m expressing myself currently is what is ‘right’ for me, in as much as this is who i am and how i express myself” they say “do whats right for you” but then seem to turn on you if you don’t express like they expect you to, and say “you’re not being open” Yes maybe they could say I need to learn a new way to express myself because something i do is ‘destructive’ hence learning a new way, but the fact that previous habits may be destructive doesn’t mean i’m ‘not open’ whatever the fuck that means.

    Liked by 1 person

      1. Often with these posts everyone comments about how to ‘be more open’ which is fine, you can try them. But thatst he problem sometimes. People say all these things like “I do this to be more open” and then you try it and either you feel it;s wrong, it doesn’t fit you, or it just doesn’t work for you for some other reason, and you feel worse afterwards because it’s like “But all these people/this person says it works” people go round saying “try being more open” and i notice they keep saying it till you ‘open up’ in a way approved of. And I can’t make sense of it. LOL isn’t that the definition of not being open? changing ourselves to be open in the way people want use to express things?

        Liked by 1 person

  2. I don’t believe there is anyone who enjoys being open and vulnerable all the time. Shutting people out is basic survival instinct, because there are people out there that will hurt you. However, as you have noticed, this instinct can also very much work against us. Being open doesn’t mean that you have to be so 24/7 or to anyone and everyone. Honestly, there are very, very few people that I am truly open with. The total number is 4. But why am I open to them? Because I trust them. And that is the most important thing in any kind of relationship: trust. You have to trust that the other person will take you for who you are and will not use your vulnerablity against you. The realization that they would never do that is the first step in being able to truely open up to them. If you find you do not trust them in that respect: well then you have to address that first, because that is probably the root of your problem.

    I have to urge you though to try to open up to those you truely hold dear, as hard as it is. It is so important, because it is so hard to have a relationship with someone who keeps shutting you out. You know why? Because it feels like a rejection. It makes you feel as if that person does not trust you and that you are not worthy enough to be depended upon. It makes you feel both unacknowledged and powerless… And that, I can personally tell you, is not a nice feeling.

    If you find it hard to talk about your feelings, why not write it down on paper like you do with your blogs? Sit the other person down accross the table from you or so and either read out to them what you have written or have them read it there and then.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I have found writing to be very therapeutic. I also find that when you pay someone to allow you to be open, that helps too…lol…
      But in all seriousness, I like what you said about the “why” behind the lack of openness…the idea that there is a reason I may or may not feel like being open with someone. I’ll take this comment to heart.
      Thank you! ❤

      Liked by 1 person

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