I’ve often felt my depression was like a tsunami – one moment, you’re feeling fine, and the next you are overwhelmed with the force of a wave that seeks to drown you. This is not an uncommon feeling for me, but I hate it nonetheless. I have this idea that when I am happy, everything will workout, and then the anxiety hits, followed by the bottomless pit of my depressive mood. But it’s not a mood that passes easily. Tonight, I know I will experience physical pain, emotional despair and thoughts of a suicidal nature.
I won’t off myself, mind you, because that requires effort. No, I will sit here, contemplating everything I hate about myself, fighting the urge to run away from myself, work on convincing myself that I am capable of handling this. I will struggle with sleep, just like I have all week long, but i won’t find a reprieve. I’ll wonder here intent wrong, but no answered, will come. I’ll reprimand myself for not being grateful, and then I I’ll fail to see any of it.
But I know it will go away. It always does, but i will desperately try and figure out ways to make myself happy. The happiness I find is always shallow, unfortunately, so I will talk myself into going back to do that things I used to love. It won’t happen, and I know it, so it adds to the emotional stress. And that emotional condemnation will add this the repertoire of negative things I say about myself. And I know I’m right
And I will sink lower that I did the last time, still knowing it will end. But how it ends is what I struggle understanding…