The Tsunami of Depression

I’ve often felt my depression was like a tsunami – one moment, you’re feeling fine, and the next you are overwhelmed with the force of a wave that seeks to drown you. This is not an uncommon feeling for me, but I hate it nonetheless. I have this idea that when I am happy, everything will workout, and then the anxiety hits, followed by the bottomless pit of my depressive mood. But it’s not a mood that passes easily. Tonight, I know I will experience physical pain, emotional despair and thoughts of a suicidal nature.

I won’t off myself, mind you, because that requires effort. No, I will sit here, contemplating everything I hate about myself, fighting the urge to run away from myself, work on convincing myself that I am capable of handling this. I will struggle with sleep, just like I have all week long, but i won’t find a reprieve. I’ll wonder here intent wrong, but no answered, will come. I’ll reprimand myself for not being grateful, and then I I’ll fail to see any of it.

But I know it will go away. It always does, but i will desperately try and figure out ways to make myself happy. The happiness I find is always shallow, unfortunately, so I will talk myself into going back to do that things I used to love. It won’t happen, and I know it, so it adds to the emotional stress. And that emotional condemnation will add this the repertoire of negative things I say about myself. And I know I’m right

And I will sink lower that I did the last time, still knowing it will end. But how it ends is what I struggle understanding…

 

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12 thoughts on “The Tsunami of Depression”

  1. I’m so sorry you go through this terrible pain. I’ve never had a depression problem. I’m not telling you this to brag but to tell you that your words helped me to feel what you’re going through. I don’t believe I’ve read a more descriptive explanation like this….so I think you’re very brave for writing it out. I believe you’re strong, intelligent and talented obviously. Your writing will hopefully bring you some peace and comfort. For now, I’m sending you a hug 💛

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I’m glad I found your post. I know what it’s like. My depressions used to be that intense. Over the years they’ve gotten less so. But I am still visited be depression. I don’t know if this is your kinds thing, but I’m giving free Tarot card readings on my blog. Sometimes the cards can give you a message that’s helpful.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you for stopping by!
      Mine has this come and go behavior in the last couple of months, previous to that, it would set in and last months at a time and now it’s more intense when it comes, but doesn’t last as long.

      I’ll stop by your blog, soon enough. I’ve been away the past few days and have some catching up to do at work, but I’ll take you up on the reading, if it’s possible! 🙂
      thank you!

      Like

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