The drastic change of mood.
I woke up this morning, feeling very positive and confident. Then as I get to work and I find out the challenges of the day and how they are going to play out in my work environment and who they impact my personal life, I begin to despise everything – my job, my personal life, myself, etc. I don’t like that I feel unable to act and make a decision I can feel comfortable doing. I don’t feel like there is a right choice to any of this.
I don’t feel like I have any support at home. I feel like pursuing this job will either result in a divorce or a lifetime of guilt trips for forcing this job down everyone’s throats at home. I know that this job provides some major support for my family, and the truth of the matter is that it’d provide damn good support even if a divorce were to occur. I would have the ability to care for my family’s needs and take care of those dreaded student loans I have to pay. I have expressed that I am willing to compromise and look for work nearby home, but it puts me in a difficult situation for potential interviews – i.e. How do I ask for time off at a new job?
But there are reasons I don’t want the new job too. I am dreading the responsibility due to the fact that I have no confidence. I feel like I’m no longer respected for shallow, shallow reasons. I don’t like how I look, I don’t like how I dress, I don’t like that I feel old and ancient. I don’t like that I have forgotten how to interact with people. I don’t like that I have to relocate to another state. I don’t like that I feel tired all of the time. I feel like there are things in my hometown that I absolutely love, that I’ll miss.
But the benefits of this job are awesome. For one, I get to travel out of the country. It’s a management position (Hard to believe, since I struggle with mental health issues, huh?), a six-figure income (It is smaller than my last position, but it hits the mark here), great benefits, great potential for growth, etc., etc. So, there is a lot to consider for this job. I should be excited, ecstatic, in awe…but I am in turmoil.
Turmoil created because of the impact it does have on those I love. Those that feel I can care less about their feelings, no matter how many times I express it. But I am always so willing to make a sacrifice, because I know others have sacrificed for me. But what would happen, if I make a decision?
I see that I have three options:
- Throw myself into this position, immersing myself into the challenge.
- Continue this path and continue to look for work back home.
- Bail out while I still can, and look for a job when I get back home.
The worst thing about anxiety, is the inability to make a decision and find serenity in that decision when all you can predict is hardship and negative results.
I feel like I lost my ability to find positive aspects of things…