What I hate most about anxiety…

The drastic change of mood.

I woke up this morning, feeling very positive and confident. Then as I get to work and I find out the challenges of the day and how they are going to play out in my work environment and who they impact my personal life, I begin to despise everything – my job, my personal life, myself, etc.Β  I don’t like that I feel unable to act and make a decision I can feel comfortable doing. I don’t feel like there is a right choice to any of this.

I don’t feel like I have any support at home. I feel like pursuing this job will either result in a divorce or a lifetime of guilt trips for forcing this job down everyone’s throats at home. I know that this job provides some major support for my family, and the truth of the matter is that it’d provide damn good support even if a divorce were to occur. I would have the ability to care for my family’s needs and take care of those dreaded student loans I have to pay. I have expressed that I am willing to compromise and look for work nearby home, but it puts me in a difficult situation for potential interviews – i.e. How do I ask for time off at a new job?

But there are reasons I don’t want the new job too. I am dreading the responsibility due to the fact that I have no confidence. I feel like I’m no longer respected for shallow, shallow reasons. I don’t like how I look, I don’t like how I dress, I don’t like that I feel old and ancient. I don’t like that I have forgotten how to interact with people. I don’t like that I have to relocate to another state. I don’t like that I feel tired all of the time. I feel like there are things in my hometown that I absolutely love, that I’ll miss.

But the benefits of this job are awesome. For one, I get to travel out of the country. It’s a management position (Hard to believe, since I struggle with mental health issues, huh?), a six-figure income (It is smaller than my last position, but it hits the mark here), great benefits, great potential for growth, etc., etc. So, there is a lot to consider for this job. I should be excited, ecstatic, in awe…but I am in turmoil.

Turmoil created because of the impact it does have on those I love. Those that feel I can care less about their feelings, no matter how many times I express it. But I am always so willing to make a sacrifice, because I know others have sacrificed for me. But what would happen, if I make a decision?

I see that I have three options:

  1. Throw myself into this position, immersing myself into the challenge.
  2. Continue this path and continue to look for work back home.
  3. Bail out while I still can, and look for a job when I get back home.

The worst thing about anxiety, is the inability to make a decision and find serenity in that decision when all you can predict is hardship and negative results.

I feel like I lost my ability to find positive aspects of things…

 

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11 thoughts on “What I hate most about anxiety…”

  1. While I can relate to all the turmoil and emotions (and believe me, I can! πŸ™‚ ) I find that perhaps it is best to just give some thoughts from an outside, impartial perspective…. now that is not meant to be cold, but sometimes in life we have to get practical… pragmatic. There are some realities in life we can not deny, however much we want to. πŸ™‚ Based on the realities of life, I’d say it be most “smart” to take option 1 or 2. Or that is what i would have done. For example, when I had graduated, i had to leave my partner at the time behind, to get a job in another town. Meaning, he would have to wait for me, for a year or so. Just until I got experience enough in my line of work, to find some work in his (smaller) town. Easy, I chose that! It was heartbreaking but it was the reality.

    If I hadn’t done so, I would have had no experience in my field, and I would sit here now, eight or so years later, whithout both the partner (it ended for other reasons), AND a job. So realities of life win. πŸ˜‰ I think you should consider bery much, that this job if you stick with it at least for a while, can be a great stepping stone for you. If you stay a year or so, and then quit, they can give you great references for your future job. Whereas if you just leave now, chances might be slim to get another job?
    Sorry for the looong comment and not meant to be heartless. πŸ˜€ Just meaning well. Hugs.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I have not known you to be heartless. I consider you my friend, so please don’t ever be afraid to be direct with me. ❀

      I understand, perfectly, what you are saying and I am leaning towards 1 & 2, as well. I just don't like the all of the consequences that could happen. But then again, life wouldn't be interesting if it were easy, huh?

      Thank you, my friend! πŸ™‚

      Liked by 1 person

      1. You know how it can be, it can be a bit scary to be too direct with people. The last thing we want to do is hurt them… πŸ’œ But, when you feel that you can give well-meant and a bit direct advice to a friend, well, then I guess you know you’re sort of good friends, right. πŸ˜‰ 🌸 Glad you took what I said in “the right way.” Heheh.

        Liked by 1 person

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