Last night, I prayed my Rosary.
Yes, I am catholic. Well, let me clarify that, slightly. I was born and raised catholic, used to be a huge advocate of the faith of my youth, and have received most of the sacraments a catholic is able to receive. And yet, I feel no holier, I feel now more blessed than anyone else. I have come to think that I have some major issues with the concept of organized religion – i.e. the stances on marriage and divorce, the stances on sexuality, the stances on doing what you’re told to do because there is an insinuation that we can’t make proper decisions for ourselves (okay, that last one is my own interpretation). Needless to say, this has always been an internal conflict of mine, and it has a lot to do with my sexuality.
I have a difficult time understanding the concept of my sexuality and how it relates to my own understanding of religion and faith. There have been times when I would pray and ask God to remove the temptation of sex away from me – especially any of my temptations with men. I find myself to be highly hypocritical too, because I used to recite all of the things that decry the evil of any homosexual behavior. But coming to terms with my own sexuality, has infused in me this idea that I cannot be created evil – what person is created that way? You see, at one time, I assumed any of my same-sex attractions were due to having been molested by a man when I was a child. I had an over-infatuation with the penis I couldn’t understand. And since I knew, quite well, that women aroused me, I assumed it must have been a direct result of the molestation I had received.
I have sought advice from priests, from therapists, from the internet and I can never feel totally comfortable with sexuality. The internet tends to be the most opinionated – obviously opinions are broad and many opposing – and most accepting. There is a certain “do what feels right” mentality in the advice I have received. As some of you that followed my last blog are aware, I had a therapist that I really enjoy seeing and she helped me accept my sexuality as being a fact of life, that I am not wrong for it. She and I even had conversations about how I was not finding fulfilment because I was trying too hard to reject what was a part of who I am. I’ve visited and spoken to priests about mysexuality before and early on in life, it was always a “don’t do that, it’s wrong” to a more accepting attitude of “God makes us to love, and sometimes out love is for a man and sometimes it is for a woman. However, you are obligated to live a chaste life” (The catholic interpretation of chastity doesn’t mean no sex, but rather sex confined to marriage).
But last night, as I sought comfort in dealing with so many of the problems I have facing me right now, I also prayed for help to relieve me of my sexuality. Today, I feel guilt for even thinking about it. But I know, God, I know that I will struggle over and over and over again…