The depression is hitting hard.
My vision is darkened, my breathing is labored, and I don’t have anyone around me that gives a shit. My head is throbbing, my eyes are pouring, and I feel hopeless. I lack so much energy; I don’t even have the energy to find a way to end it all.
I’ve never felt so trapped by inaction in my life. No matter what I attempt to do, I can’t find positive feedback. I’m a mess, a complete fucking mess. I don’t understand why I can’t come up with a way to mitigate all the negativity hitting me upside the head.
I used to look for reasons; some cause to create this effect. If I knew what caused it, then I could figure out how to deal with it. I believe divorce is the only answer, but I can’t bring myself to do it. I’m immobilized by that reality, I can’t continue, but my balls have disappeared.
I’m afraid to go enjoy life, I’m afraid to do the things I know I’m passionate about. I dread enjoying anything outside of my relationship, because there is always a negative consequence. I’m anonymous about everything, I don’t reveal any of my real life, because I can’t handle the truth: my marriage is toxic and it is not good for me. It’s unhealthy.
I haven’t contemplated this in a long time, but almost a year ago, I had considered hanging myself. I sought therapy, as some of you are aware from my last blog, and it helped. My mind is there; I want to die. Thankfully, I lack the motivation to do it. All I want to do is sit here in the dark, alone, feeling sorry for myself.
I can’t find it in me to love myself.
I’m slipping into darkness…