It’s official: I’m in the worst mental state I’ve ever been.

The depression is hitting hard.

My vision is darkened, my breathing is labored, and I don’t have anyone around me that gives a shit. My head is throbbing, my eyes are pouring, and I feel hopeless. I lack so much energy; I don’t even have the energy to find a way to end it all.

I’ve never felt so trapped by inaction in my life. No matter what I attempt to do, I can’t find positive feedback. I’m a mess, a complete fucking mess. I don’t understand why I can’t come up with a way to mitigate all the negativity hitting me upside the head.

I used to look for reasons; some cause to create this effect. If I knew what caused it, then I could figure out how to deal with it. I believe divorce is the only answer, but I can’t bring myself to do it. I’m immobilized by that reality, I can’t continue, but my balls have disappeared.

I’m afraid to go enjoy life, I’m afraid to do the things I know I’m passionate about. I dread enjoying anything outside of my relationship, because there is always a negative consequence. I’m anonymous about everything, I don’t reveal any of my real life, because I can’t handle the truth: my marriage is toxic and it is not good for me. It’s unhealthy.

I haven’t contemplated this in a long time, but almost a year ago, I had considered hanging myself. I sought therapy, as some of you are aware from my last blog, and it helped. My mind is there; I want to die. Thankfully, I lack the motivation to do it. All I want to do is sit here in the dark, alone, feeling sorry for myself.

I can’t find it in me to love myself.

I’m slipping into darkness…

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23 thoughts on “It’s official: I’m in the worst mental state I’ve ever been.”

  1. Don’t you dare ever ever EVER feel like your happiness does not matter. I KNOW we don’t know each other and I KNOW my opinion might not mean shit. But believe you matter and your happiness matters. Maybe you don’t see it now but trust me your life is important. You’re going through this bullshit for a reason and no you are not alone. I’m here for you even if I might not be there physically. I wish I was so I could give you a big hug and then give you a tub of shaved ice cream, lol .. Smile because you can’t show the world that you’re crumbling. I’m behind you 1000x percent on whatever you decide. Divorce is fucking hard. I know because I had to face reality and realize that my husband wasn’t the one for me. I loved him when I said yes and I loved him when I filed for divorce. But God fucking knows where the hell I might have been if I didn’t. I might not be happy right now but I’m in a way better place than I was before .. Coming across your blog was the best that has happened to me in these past two weeks. I feel how you feel. It’s hard to pretend to be happy but please DO NOT GIVE UP. Stay strong. πŸ’–πŸ’–

    Liked by 2 people

    1. It’s always a good thing to know that people are able to relate and offer me encouragement. I admit, I feel weak, since I’m finding support among strangers on the internet. But at the same time, I’m so thankful for it.

      I’m also glad we came across each other’s blogs. I believe you are a good person, from what I’ve read and I’m thankful for the new friendship.

      And shaved ice cream does sound good right about now. πŸŒΌπŸ’–

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Just know that you’re not alone. I know it may seem hard to believe that people could relate, especially when you’re in a dark place. It’s okay to feel weak, we are human after all. It’s expected. But don’t give in to the fuckery.

        I also believe you’re a good person and it means a lot to me that you think I’m one too. I would like to believe I am. You’re very welcome. Haha, yes the shaved ice cream will always do wonders for the heart. ❀️

        Liked by 1 person

  2. I don’t know you, or your life or all your circumstances. But I’ve felt the way you feel, and I pray that the awful darkness lifts and that you find your way to be happy. I don’t believe that we could be created with the ability to feel happiness and not have some set of circumstances that can make us happy. I hope you find your happiness soon. I will say, honesty is usually a good starting point. Good luck.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. πŸ’œ Do not give up! Even if you can just hold on to one thought: hold on to the thought that: “This will pass”!
    As soon as you get a little energy back, perhaps visit some calming place, perhaps a short hike in the mountains… or not even a hike, just go there to sit and enjoy the scenery…
    I know it is a clichΓ© but you matter in this world! If you get to the point that you feel you can not cope with this yourself, any longer, please talk to a doctor/therapist.
    I hope the darkness lifts soon!
    πŸ’œπŸ’œπŸ’œ

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Feel the fear and do it anyway. It’s a great book. In it susan suggests writing down all your fears and slowly doing little things to push it. You will soon realise that human beings are resilient and that you can handle anything

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Wow, so deep.
    Im touched by your story and am hurting for your pain. Never give up on yourself, at the end of the day no one knows what is going on inside your head but you. You are the one who has to tackle the bad thoughts. Nothing will change unless you take that first step. If you fail, try again.
    I wish you nothing but happiness.

    Liked by 1 person

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