Always one step ahead of myself.

Today, anxiety is on my mind.  The reason why is because I can’t make a decision on a plan of action for my life.  I have so many different conflicts going on in my head that I can’t make the determination to pursue what is best for me.  I have so many areas to come up with answers, direction, purpose that they all convolute in a jumbled mess in my head.  It’s emotional vomit; or to be less disgusting, it’s an emotional goulash.

I’m trying to determine who I am as a person, because I’m not so sure I even know that anymore. I feel like I’ve had a major identity crisis in the past few years that has ripped me away from my foundational roots – roots I’m not even sure anymore were good for me, and yet I don’t hate them either. I have an altered perception now – one that was overly optimistic and is now overly pessimistic.  I try and figure out what will make me happy, and yet I find that there are some things I can’t find happiness anymore.

I attempt to predict the outcomes of all decisions in life now, and I can only see the negative sides of each decision. Rather than choosing the things that are going to be the best decision, I try to find the paths that will have the least hardship.  To me, this is flawed thinking, but I have grown so accustomed to trying to mitigate bad outcomes.

I once heard the term “Mental Masturbation” to describe what’s going on in my head. It stems from the idea that you get thoughts in your head and you play with them over and over. You keep going through the process of sticking your proverbial hands into your brain and you keep playing with these thoughts until you realize you fucked yourself: Mental Masturbation.

I just have so many struggles I don’t know where to begin, but I know I am fucking myself.


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