A Knife?!?!?!

I had dinner with my boss tonight. He wanted to discuss plans for training, since I am in a prominent position with company. The plan is to send me to Spain for a couple of weeks and then to the U.K. for a week.  I’m so incredibly nervous, for several reasons, but the major one is that I don’t know how my wife will react. I’m somewhat terrified to tell her, because she and I are on rocky ground right now and this has the potential of putting us in divorce.

She is rarely happy for me when good things happen for me. It reminds me about the day I graduated college. I had attended an engineering school for about 4 years and didn’t graduate, but after meeting her and beginning a family I felt it was important to return. I graduated and had a great job set up before I graduated. My extended family through a party to celebrate and I spent time visiting with my friends and classmates. This angered my wife and we argued about it that night at home. I remember it like it was yesterday.

She expressed that I was spending all of my time with my friends and none of it with her (that’s not exactly true, but it is certainly how she felt). I disagreed with her and she responded that if I wanted them, then I “should go fuck them”. Unfortunately, I had a sharp tongue and said little to de-escalate the situation and responded with, “Fucking them will be more fun.”

That resulted in her punching me in the face two times. I stood there and took it. I didn’t react to the violence, I shut down my emotions and sat on the couch. She hit me repeatedly in the head and told me to get out. Again, I refused to do anything. She ordered me out again, and then pulled a knife out and threw it at me. Thankfully, it hit the couch, missing my leg. She went into the bedroom and slammed the door shut. I stayed sitting on the couch wide awake the rest of the night.

That was over 13 years ago, but I remember it like yesterday. Things like this come to my mind any time I have to tell my wife something I know she won’t like. I am baffled by the fact that I used to arrest people for committing domestic violence, but I could not stand up for myself.

And yet, I continue to run

 

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12 thoughts on “A Knife?!?!?!”

  1. As you most likely understand yourself, physical violonce is never okay. If someone uses that against a person, strong boundaries should be set at once towards the aggressor, ie leaving or at least making the person seek help. I know that is not easy, since there is usually not only physical violence but there can be other mechanisms at work, like emotional abuse of different kinds.

    I am very sorry that happened to you. I wish you luck in standing up for yourself about the trip. It is a great opportunity for you so dont miss it! I could understand if everything was hunky dory between you and wife, that you would want to discuss it more with her etc. But the way things have been between you guys lately, I think you’d be best off thinking about yourself and what is good for you, right now. Good luck..🌸🌷Hugs.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Not that I’m diagnosing her, but I once read that people with borderline personality disorders are very aggressive early in life and later in life lessen the intensity and number of outbursts. She has stopped using physical violence, thankfully, but sometimes I feel the damage is already done.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. *sighs* I was in a relationship like that myself almost 13 years ago with the person for about 6-7 years. Except they were constantly abusive. He’s the reason I started to take Muay Thai & boxing. I’m not saying that she’s still abusive & perhaps what I have to say is not exactly directed to her. It has more to say with your feelings. I feel that you have some wounds that may need major healing. One should never be afraid of talking to their partner. Although, I know how you feel. I wouldn’t forget something like that either. 💭😞

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I’d be lying, if I said everything is roses and cupcakes, but far from it. The physical violence no longer exists. Unfortunately, I have lost myself and I am struggling to find myself. There is so much I could say, that there just isn’t time here.
      But trust me, I have made some serious steps towards recovery in the past year, I’m standing up for myself more now than I did in the past. It doesn’t make it any easier, emotionally, but I don’t want to hate myself anymore.
      Thank you for your comment. 🌸

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I’m very happy for you that you’ve made some recovery. It’s always difficult to be with someone especially when you love them and there was physical violence before. Not everyone’s situation is the same. Never ever ever hate yourself okay? I had to learn that the hard way. I’m sure that she loves you too since it has not happened again. If you ever need someone to vent to I’m good at listening & I’m definitely judgement free! 😬❤️

        Liked by 1 person

          1. Lmao, you remind me so much of myself! I always tell my best friend stuff like that. Just because you love something doesn’t mean it’s good for you! It could feel great but it will probably kill you. Haha .

            Omg you don’t even know the half of if. It would be nice to have someone to speak to. ❤️

            Liked by 1 person

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