AJ: Reminder

I saw this user’s post with Pink in the meme.  I absolutely love the quote, but there is something else a little ironic/coincidental about this post.  I sent the blogger a message informing her that I love Pink (I have a girl crush on her…) and mentioned that in my fantasies of being a girl, she is the image I have for myself!  This wonderful woman actually told me she posted it thinking of me!

How awesome is that?!?!?!

Maybe I really do like my inner Stephanie. 🙂

Flawed Pearls

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How does one truly rise from the ashes? Or should I ever come out?

I recognize my last couple of posts have been negative, dark and bleak. I’m not sure what it is about depression that does this to me.  It has a habit of coming in and destroying the positive feelings I begin having for myself.  It’s almost like being happy or striving for more peace is not something I deserve. I’m tired of cliché phrases to make me feel better, I’m tired of seeing therapists, I’m tired of reading self-help books, I’m tired of forcing myself to do things I supposedly like.

But more than anything, I’m tired of the self-deprecating thoughts I have.

I’m tired that I can’t feel the good things that are said to me or about me. I’m tired of not having the motivation to take care of myself, like a normal person. I’m tired of the inability to understand what it is I really want out of life. And I’m tired that I see nothing but “should of” when it comes to looking at myself and my decisions.

I almost made a radical decision yesterday.

I almost came out to someone in my real life. I came dangerously close to revealing to an old friend that I am bisexual.  She and I used to do martial arts together many years ago – in fact, I helped her test for her 2nd degree blackbelt over 20 years ago. I used to have a huge crush on her too.  Well, she and I have managed to stay in contact over the years, although that contact became less and less as time went on.

Yesterday, I made a statement about politics on Facebook because I am frustrated that I am having trouble getting my medical supplies (I’m not a huge fan of government, just so you know) and she had commented on my post.  Well, sometimes I think I come across as uncaring and uncompassionate (Is that a word?) and I sent her a private message. During the conversation, the topic of LGBT rights came up and I had mentioned to her, “Please don’t ever make me admit it in public, but I’m a registered republican that supports LGBT rights.”  She thought it was funny and mentioned she would never make me admit to anything in public.  For a shred of a moment, I considered mentioning to her that I’m bisexual.  And then it struck me for a moment, that she may think that already.

I mentioned I had a huge crush on her. Well, I had seen her naked before…phenomenal body, gorgeous and I would have gladly jumped at the chance to have sex with her. So, why didn’t I?  Well, at the time, she had a boyfriend and I had a girlfriend.  How did we see each other naked?  Good old fashioned spin the bottle in our little foursome one night.  I never made a move on her back then, and I could never tell if a woman was just being nice to me or if she was interested in me.  That felt like the case with me and her.  But looking back on it from the perspective of the conversation she and I had yesterday, it made me wonder, “Does she already realize I’m bisexual?  Was I displaying signs for the so-called gay-dar that some people have?”

But for the moment, I let it pass. I did not tell her. I did not mention it to anyone who knows me personally. I wonder if I ever will. I’m 44 years old, married, a father, but secretly bisexual with obvious gender confusion.  I spent last night, in the dark, looking up people on Facebook – i.e. a little Facebook stalking. I looked up old girlfriends, I looked up people I’ve hooked up with (guys and girls), I looked up old friends, I looked up all kinds of people. I felt nostalgic and reminiscent. I felt…

…lonely.

Looking

Yesterday, I had a bit of a set-back in my search for happiness, peace and serenity.  I call it a set-back, because I intend to come out of this. I don’t enjoy the feelings I had, yesterday at all. There are so many changes going on in my life right now and I am not handling them as well as I thought.  In fact, I broke my sobriety yesterday – I went out and had a couple of beers. And the only positive thing I can take from that, is that I knew I didn’t actually want to drink.  I thought I did, but as soon as I had the couple of beers, I wanted to stop. I didn’t really want to drink…I simply didn’t like it, so I stopped and left, thinking to myself, “Fuck this shit…”

Everything in my mind seems convoluted and I feel like I’m trying, desperately, to find happiness and that there is none to be found. I am searching for some sort of identity that I feel like I have lost someplace in life. I feel like there is something better out there for me and I just can’t seem to find it.

I’m conflicted on my relationship. She has began talking to a couple of her ex boyfriends – and it seems like I should be worried or offended, but I’m not. It oddly makes sense to me. Although we are intending to see a counselor, I feel our relationship is toxic and needs to end. Yet, we are both, inexplicably drawn into the relationship.

I’m conflicted on my sexual orientation. I’m conflicted with this revelation I’ve had that there is this Stephanie wanting to come to the surface of my being. But when I go and visit someone like my dad, I feel automatically ashamed of myself and yet, happy to know that I should be the person my parents raised me to be.  I begin to exhibit machismo and traditional masculine traits after visiting my parents. I look at my online interactions with people and I begin to wonder if I’m so weak that I just take on others’ assumptions.  Am I really bi or am I accepting other people’s opinions as my own? I hate the fact that I am in constant conflict with this – even when I think I’m finally comfortable, something tells me I’m “not right”.

I’m conflicted about my financial situation. I currently have an opportunity returning to an employer, whom previously laid me off, to build upon the career I once had.  The financial possibilities seem good. But I have this inkling about me that doesn’t seem to care about career and money anymore.  All I need is for my family to be okay…I don’t want to be right like I once wanted. I don’t care about running a business like I once did. I don’t care about being an engineer like I once did.  On some level, I just want to do something that really matters in life. Sometimes I just want to do a job that is focused on people and not things. But my debts suck and I feel like a slave to my life, because I can’t find the happiness I so badly want.

And I hear, so often, people telling me that they want nothing but happiness for me. That’s conflicting for me too, because it’s what I want. But I also feel like I’m forcing it, and it feels fake sometimes. I don’t know how to find that level of peace that everything will be okay. I try and find some things to take comfort, but I wonder if I’m taking comfort or if I am just finding another way of running from my problems in life. It’s a hard place to be, because I know I want happiness, but I don’t know how to really find it.

Today…?

I’m getting a pedicure today, I think?

Or maybe not.

Maybe a short hike?

Eh…don’t feel like driving anywhere.

Get laid?

It won’t happen.

Drink?

No, I really am not interested anymore.

Buy a dress?

Probably not.

Look for a new job?

I’m sooo picky.

I’m just not sure yet.

The struggle is real.